Pupaveg

  My job, my 13 art projects, the animal sanctuary, my 2 webshops, commission work... I can't keep up with everything! I'm trying to, but it is just too much to handle for one person. I have recovered from my burnout, but I can't risk getting one again, so I am going to have to postpone some things. And I have decided that this will be the vegan books.

Yes, I am still very passionate about defending animals and the planet against their violent oppressors. But I really can't find the time to draw the comics I make in their defense right now. I can't work on all of my books anymore, the time I have in-between work is simply too little for that. I have to choose. I am getting older and I want to finish at least one of my original comics in my life. I already finished 7 vegan books so far, so I will now make the time to make one book of my own. I don't draw the vegan books because I like it. I draw it because it feels like a moral obligation to defend the weak and oppressed. I often wish that people would just stop oppressing and killing animals so people like me wouldn't have to defend them all the time, and could focus on personal interests instead. Sadly, the oppression of animals still has a long way to go before it ends. I could have finished multiple of my fantasy comics and books by now, if I didn't have to spend my energy on speaking out against the largest form of oppression that ever existed. I don't blame the animals for this, of course. It's their oppressors who are the cause of this. And I'm absolutely not saying that I'm giving up defending their victims, I am just postponing it until I finish my comic Prey. I'm sorry to disappoint you guys. I do hope that you enjoy my comic though. It will be the first not-vegan-related comic I will share with others besides my own family and friends.



PS: Excuse my shitty English. My mother tongue is Dutch.

I think I finally got over my burnout. It happened when I had to put down one of my favorite animals in my sanctuary. Abuse by her past owner left the rex rabbit with permanent physical muscle damage (due to beating) and mental issues. There was no treatment available, but she lived happily with my group for about 2 years. Eventually, the muscles of 3 legs succumbed and I had to get the vet put her down. I was so sad and realized that I didn't have many photos of her. It gave me the willpower to create some of my own in art-form, and to my surprise, they actually turned out pretty good. I still miss her, but I'm happy that at least she had 2 good last years. I didn't draw much after, but I think I can do it now.

FRIENDS WHO LEFT DA
I see some people I had nice contact with left DeviantArt during my absence. I have contacted them via other social media, but was unable to contact one of them because he left me contact info from a platform I am not familiar with. I hope when he reads this, he will contact me (via my website).

GETTING MARRIED
I'm getting married. Some time ago, my boyfriend asked me to marry him and I said yes. We haven't picked a date yet.

ABOUT MY ART
What can you expect about my art? Well, today I'm working on a few commissions, but I will try to make some time for my other projects because it's been way too long since I posted anything on here. My followers on Facebook and DeviantArt have given me a lot of constructive criticism, so I am happy to have improved my work as a result. Thank you all so much for this.

I've been very busy with work lately, so I didn't really have the time yet to continue drawing my comic PREY, nor time to draw vegan comics. My gift webshop (www.pupaya.nl) also endured a hard hit when our countries' postal service bought up all other postal services (including the ones I used) and raised the shipping costs to 3-4 times the normal price. Before that, I could ship a keychain overseas for 3-4 euros. But now they ask me over 12 euros! For 1 damn flat keychain! It's absurd! Many other small webshops in the country have collapsed or are struggling because of this. Keychains were my best-selling products, together with my books, but not many people are willing to pay shipping costs that are higher than the products themselves. So in order to maintain the animals in my sanctuary, I had to resort to finding a normal job, which I could combine with their care. The pay is much lower than what my webshop used to provide before the stupid postal service ruined it, so I work more hours than I actually want to. This is why I can't really find the time for art anymore because almost all of my other free time is consumed by taking care of the animals. And as fellow-artists you probably know it: drawings come out crappy when you feel like crap.

And on top of that: a heavy storm has destroyed the barn at my animal sanctuary. The roof was literally ripped apart by it and landed in the neighbors' garden. Sigh... more financial damage. I'm still not done with the paperwork of my animal sanctuary charity registration (I keep delaying it due to work), so the financial damage is still 100% on me. I'm managing, but it's hard. I've closed my sanctuary for new rabbits. Despite that, some people are still trying to dump theirs here. But I really can't take in more (also due to limited space in my backyard), so I've been sending new rabbits to other rabbit sanctuaries in the area. I only take in guinea pigs at the moment, as their barn still has plenty of space, and they're easier to financially maintain (a.k.a. feeding, cleaning, spaying/neutering, introducing to the group, and vet bills). I'm relieved that there are 2 vets 5 minutes away from my home, because honestly... I visit the vet more often than the supermarket. No kidding!

MOLLY
Molly is doing great. It's like she never had a hernia at all. She does everything again: running, playing, snuggling, etc. I'm still trying to gather her vet bills together, which I am paying off in terms. If you'd like to help out, please support her crowdfunding campaign here: www.gofundme.com/f/molly-is-pa… Every amount is appreciated, and so is sharing on social media! You can also donate in exchange for an art commission. The more you donate, the detailed your commission will be drawn.

I'm going to be real honest here about why I've been delaying publishing art and comics. Sure, I've been busier than ever with the animal sanctuary and a job besides that, but that's not the reason why I'm not drawing anymore at all.  The true reason is a huge BURNOUT that has come to a point that I've started to HATE drawing altogether!

Back when I was still drawing vegan comics intensively and finishing commission work smoothly, I have overworked myself on them. At some point I was working on them almost non-stop every single day, and the thousands of emails and messages I got from people telling me they had gone vegan/vegetarian because of my works motivated me to finish even more comics and more books in a shorter amount of time, so I could save more animals. The fact that the sales of my works funded my animal sanctuary also motivated me to draw like crazy; the more books I sold, the more animals I could save. At some point I was working on them almost 24/7 and deprived my body of water, food and sleep. I did this for over a month, and felt weaker and weaker by the day. Eventually my body collapsed in the middle of the park when I was walking the dogs.

I then realized that I shouldn't overwork myself on drawing anymore, and decided to take a break before continuing. I nursed my body back to health by feeding it well and catching up sleep. After that break, when I was fresh, healthy and good again, I wanted to pick up drawing for only a short time a day. But when I stared at my digital canvas, I could not bring myself to draw even a single line. My body was shaking with some kind of irrational fear even by the thought of holding that pencil. The days after were the same, and the months that followed also. I tried so many times to force it, telling myself I shouldn't exaggerate, but even the thought of drawing scared the crap out of my body, fearing for the horrible feeling of collapsing, starvation, burning eyes, and sleep deprivation again. In my head I knew that this fear was irrational if I would only draw for just 1 hour or so, but it's like my body suddenly had its own will and refused to participate. Whenever I pick up that damn pencil, my arm starts shaking intensively. I've had many days of trying, only to end up staring at an empty canvas for hours before giving up. I tried to force it also, but the results were horrible and looked like the art of a 5-year old because a part of me was fighting intensively to make me stop.

"I'll try again tomorrow" turned into "I don't want to draw today" and eventually to "I hate drawing".

It now has even come to a point that I have taken up a normal job to sustain the animals, because at this point I choose even the most boring cashier job over drawing, even though drawing pays much, MUCH better because of the high demand on commission work I got. I now struggle with my bills, I have to beg vets if I can pay some bills off in terms... bills I could easily cover if my stupid fear for drawing was not in my way. I'm writing this from my phone, I haven't touched my computer in months. I tried to force drawing again by publicly announcing that I would start drawing again in January. But I still can't bring myself to it. It isn't a matter of "I don't want to do this stupid work, but I have to do it". I can still bring myself to so other work that's not fun; clean the toilet, clean the house, pick up food and stuff for the animals, etc. It's just drawing I can't seem to force.

I used to joke about being immune to burnouts, but I think I've developed a big one here. It made me hate drawing, despise it, no matter what it is I have to draw. I don't know how to get the hell over this dumb fear already, and I hate that this destroyed everything I have done for the animals in the past 7 years. My dad is complaining about me refusing art commissions from people who pay well, and my BF eventually had to cover my part of the bills for the house because my minimum wage job's money will go to a vet bill for the upcoming 6 months. I could easily pay that vet bill if only I could say "yes" to people who ask me to draw them something specific. And yet I say "no" because I know I can't do it anyway. Even if I tell myself it's for the animals, even if I force it, my stupid body keeps refusing to pick up the pencil. Pretty much every supporter of my Patreon page has left by now because I don't post content anymore. I promised the ones that stayed a free small simple personal drawing, but I can't even do that anymore, it's so pathetic. The burnout resulted in a lot of self-hate.

I still have so many ideas for new comics and I keep noting new ideas. But why can't I bring myself to draw them anymore? I've brought this on myself, so you don't need to feel bad for me. I just wish I could get over it already! I don't know how. I don't know what to do. I never thought something like this would destroy everything in my life. I still function normally IRL and apparently still give off the facade of being that "always happy and optimistic girl" at work. I still take care of my animals, I still can have fun... but only if ban "drawing" out of my mind completely. I had so many plans of buying a piece of land and expanding my animal sanctuary to take in rescued farm animals, but since I stopped drawing my income is way too low to be able to even rent a house, nevermind buy a piece of farm land.

I don't know what to do. Are there other artists who have had the same problem?